you must excuse my lengthy absence, for i was doing nothing other than exploring the seven seas. they can be quite tempestuous. they call my name at night; i must get back to see them.

anywho.

the idea of blogging is appealing to me. however, my discipline in regularly posting is less than commendable. i like the idea of sharing my artistic endeavors, dreams, failures, etc., with strangers, and possibly inspiring them. that is all for now.

4D

i like staying up late. when the sun goes to bed, i come alive. the night hours refresh me in ways unknown to the sun.

appreciation

i figured, what better way to spend my friday night than formulating an unnecessary list of my likes. ready, set, go!

-front porches (with rocking chairs)
-skinny pants
-good music
-concerts (and concert posters)
-toms
-film
-nature
-scraggly birds (and ducks)
-interesting tattoos
-all things chicken
-dos equis
-people
-deep conversation
-community
-spontaneous dance parties
-irish spring scented speed stick deodorant
-dreams
-family
-red bull
-bike rides
-water
-sunflower seeds
-fabric softener
-new friends
-zooey deschanel
-downtown districts
-honesty (yes, that includes brutal honesty)
-pillow talk
-laughter
-road trips
-target
-snazzy socks
-winter time/spring time/fall time/summer time
-living life

thank you ladies and gents.

rocking chairs

so, the previously mentioned townhouse, now my new place of living, has a huge front porch. not to mention, it also has two rocking chairs. i love my front porch. i am out there every night, usually until at least midnight or so. the crickets chirp, the moon shines, the rocking chairs creak; it is bliss.

also, the album below is incredible. anathallo never ceases to amaze me. it is an explosion of beautiful lyrics, and incredible instrumentation. get it. listen to it. love it.

get the door

after months of looking for a job and being told, "we are not hiring right now, but we are always accepting applications" i finally secured a job. i am, drum roll please, a dominoes delivery boy. as laughable as this may seem it is such a blessing from the Lord. it is such a relief to wake up each morning knowing i don't have to worry about being unemployed. with that being said, today is my second day, and it should be great.

on another note, do you ever feel like your soul is in rhythm with how things were originally created; that is, creation before the fall? there are moments in my life when my soul feels as though things are right, and things are good. i enjoy these moments, and hope to enjoy them more and more as i grow and mature.

on yet another note, the band noah and the whale's new album, "the first days of spring" comes out at the beginning of september. quite frankly, i am not sure that i can wait. after hearing only two songs on this album, i long to get hold of this album a.s.a.p. their narrative way of songwriting is incredibly enticing.

secrecy

this is a nice little video someone made for a song by paper route.

on another note, i sometimes find things, being pictures, films, songs, etc, that stir me deeply. upon discovering them i feel as though life is worth living, and not just going through. however, i tend to keep these things to myself. i dwell on them, and soon, the sort of aesthetic high flees me. i desperately want someone to share these things with, however, i am cautious. i have revealed this part of my soul to people before only to receive a mediocre response. these things of beauty are so lovely to me that i just as soon keep them to myself. why reveal such sacred things to someone with no desire to take what is in front of them and sit in awe? is this too much to ask? perhaps not. possibly more on this later.

a letter to 5308

dear apt. 5308,

this past year you have proven yourself worthy. however, the time has come for my amigos and i to embark on a new journey. we will be leaving your walls, now covered in boogers, sharpie, and hole, to claim our territory in 4c. as i sit here typing this memento i am reminded of all the fun times in this apartment, along with all the painful moments. i reminisce on the many times chase wanted to nap, and in my abundant love, i would not let him. i think of all the farts that filled the air as the sun would peek its head. and who could forget the countless nights of pillow talk with both borderline ridiculous conversation, and meaningful encouragement. most of all, i am grateful for the opportunity to live with these incredible guys in your halls. you have been gracious to us all.

sincerely,

one of the five



p.s. get prepared townhomes.

11:08

it is 11:08 and i want to skip like a stone from a stronger arm. what must we call these moments? the moments of confirmation and love, when our Father testifies with our soul that we are His, and He will not forsake us. it is not a totally unexplainable happening, although, possibly vague to the reader. what a glorious God we serve.

duality

rejection

hope

the wolves

nothing

i feel trapped. something needs to change, pronto.

hollywood will weep

this may very well be the best movie i have ever seen. it is directed beautifully, and the music intertwines throughout scenes with such perfection. however, the thing that really caught my attention was the incredibly accurate depiction of life. this is not a hollywood movie. the guy does not get the girl. and that flies in the face of all hollywood has told us. people do not always get the one they love, but will go on for days, months, weeks, maybe even years crying, drinking, breaking plates, and dwelling on all that could have been if this other person could only realize what the now heart broken individual has come to realize. our expectations are often decimated by reality, so we move on, probably kicking and screaming.

i suppose this film intrigued me with such lure because it is the film i would never make, but have yearned for someone to direct it into existence.

ladies and gentlemen, 500 days of summer.

paralysis

people typically have fear, whether they desire it or not. i would be so bold as to make the argument that some sort of fear lives in every human being, and no can escape it in totality. over the past couple of months i have grown to loathe this joy robbing emotion of fear. it hinders me. i sit completely still, thinking if i make no movement then i will bring about no wrong. i am terrified to act. what if i move, just to be pushed further back? every now and then i have an epiphany of sorts. it becomes so clear to me, all of it. i see clearly that my fear is foolish, and i dance in such freedom. however, i always seem to dive back into fear. i don't want fear, i want to abandon it.

on a different note, music liberates.

backyard tennis

what a great day today has been. i feel so free, and liberated from all things that have historically weighed me down.

with that being said, today i deemed myself the author of the tennis ball chronicles. enjoy.

way to go cotton.

the nightly parade

sometimes i like to try things other than the norm. i suppose you can deem this post as just such an effort. scripture says that the Lord gives, and he also takes away. who are we to question his reasoning. after all, romans speaks of his ways being unsearchable. i find comfort in this, knowing that my God is after his glory, and the edification of his bride, the church. i would find no joy in serving a god with an intellect similar to mine. however, pain still exist. i suppose true joy would not exist if pain did not exist. the idea of heartbreak is an interesting thing to me. one still functions with a broken heart, for the most part. although, sometimes the most mundane tasks can seem impossible. it's not so much that one feels physically ill, although, that can certainly go hand in hand with heartbreak. however, something just hurts. is it possible for one's heart to really ache. is such a thing possible, or is it merely an idea birthed in our heads? i think such a thing possible.

the shadow proves the sunshine

God is good.

i am not.

God is merciful.

i am not.

God is just.

i am not.

God is patient.

i am not.

God is empathetic.

i am not.

God is gracious.

i am not.

God is love.

i am loved.

three white stripes

the past days have proven themselves to be quite difficult. my first diagnosis would be loneliness. however, after thought and consideration, i am fairly certain that is not the problem. rather the problem lies in my idleness. i tend to not fight for anything i want, or need. i hope it comes, and if not, frustration is my embrace. i very well may have a problem with fighting for things. whenever i do fight for something, it usually leads to rejection, and i do not handle that very well. i wonder what i will do with my life, or who i will spend my life with, and where will i be in five years. it is kind of exciting not knowing the answers to these questions. it leaves an element of mystery and surprise in our life. i suppose i am just weary. weary of many things. most of all, i am tired of apathy.

feature film

i am typically not a person in favor of movies. i enjoy them, occasionally, but i tend to just steer clear of them. however, these past days have proved otherwise. i have watched movie, after movie, after movie, after... well, you get the idea. something about a well written script and great cinematography has all of the sudden started to mean much more to me.

with all that being said, i desperately want to make a movie, but know i probably will not.

what is it about our dreams that make them so terrifying to chase after? i do not want to fail. i do not like giving myself to something, or someone, just to see that i have fallen short. however, we must not overlook the lessons learned in these instances. regardless, i want to make a movie but it seems so daunting, so unattainable. why bother? i don't have the right gear, time, finances, people; these are some thoughts invading my mind. dreams.

with all the being said, i desperately want to make a movie, and i might.

mewithoutyou

have you ever met someone whom you cannot get out of your head...



his name was curtis. he said he was hungry. he just wanted something to eat, and some cash to find someplace to stay for the night. i am well aware of the socially accepted rule of never giving cash to someone asking for it. however, who am i to judge? after talking with curtis i found out he was from houston, and came to dallas in 2004. he then proceeded to tell me his wife had died in 2004, and he has been on the streets ever since. "it hurt so bad, she was my soulmate, and my bestfriend... she was my everything" he told me. "i wanted to give up, i didn't want to go on anymore. i did not want to commit suicide, but i felt very hopeless. i didn't tell a doctor that 'cause they would just put me in a crazy hospital." curtis is an incredible man, and i can only hope to run into him again.

on another note, mewithoutyou concert was last night. best concert. ever. hands down.

also, florida is soon. very soon.

mr. hathaway

what a fun video.

longing for something more

i have felt very alone these past couple of days. surrounded by people, yet, feeling as though none of those people care to pursue meaningful relationship with me. for awhile i struggled with this idea of loneliness. for me it meant i was not satisfied in Christ. however, i no longer think that true. i understand and believe that Christ is sufficient for any of my needs, desires, pains, and joys. with that being said, possessing a longing for a physical someone who knows everything and is always there is a healthy desire. however, this desire cannot consume all things in your life, leading to idolatry.

an article

i enjoy night time car rides through cities which die at the setting of the sun, with good music.

incredible

White Rabbits "Percussion Gun" Music Video from White Rabbits on Vimeo.

this video/song is incredible. but don't take my word for it, watch it for yourself.

the night

i enjoy honesty. i tend to believe myself a fairly honest person, and it does not take much for me to open up to people. for the most part. with that being said, i feel many people will view me as socially immature for writing such a post. these thoughts and ideas should be kept to myself, and it is sophomoric for me to post them for anyone to read; or so they would have me believe.

this past week has proved to be strange. it has brought with it much discouragement, sorrow, and foolishness. i know love is real. God is real, therefore, love is real. however, it is becoming more and more clear to me why people doubt the truth of love. most marriages end in divorce, and selfish ambition rots people quickly. we proclaim the consistency of love; the idea that love loves until the end. yet, the way we live is mostly contrary to this truth. how can someone gaze into the eyes of a lover and gently whisper terms of endearment, and denounce all they said as he/she walks out the door only months later? everyone faces lost love, it is part of life. although, it never gets easier.

still at shore

When pain turns to years
It goes away
A memory far gone
So bitter sweet
And sweet it is to taste recover
The loss of my friend

And why haunts this hunger
To love her
My ship set it's sail
A long time ago
And my mind has said it's farewell
And my lips have declared "it's time"
But my heart cannot say it's goodbye

Now it's only in my dreams
That I've been there
Her eyes so in love
Her kiss so real
Now if only I could stay
And dream a while
If a dream lasts a lifetime

My ship's set it's sail
But still at shore
My heart cannot say it's goodbye


-this says it all.

dreams

i used to enjoy sleeping. it was a very tangible way in which i would escape the troubles of the world. i can acknowledge that problems do not disappear with sleep, rather, they must be dealt with. however, it was something i looked forward to. i especially looked forward to the occasional zombie dream. all that to be said, i have been approaching sleep with a somewhat hopeless attitude. it saddens me that i will awake in 6 hours. maybe sadden is not the best word to use. perhaps 'frustrates' is a better word. i know in a matter of hours i will be awake again, and my troubles will once again embrace me.

there is hope, and i know this.

p.s. i want to live in a cabin for a year or so with no electricity. i want to leave everyone wondering what i am doing. that may be a little bit selfish... eh, i am alright with that.

blank

where is my house of cards?

fifty people; one question

when people are big and God is small

the book mentioned in the title is phenomenal. if you are ever looking to have your world turned upside down, you should pick up this book. the end.

"need people less, love people more"
-welch

titanic

sometimes the Lord speaks in ways that blow my mind. not that it takes much to blow my mind, it is quite finite. however, in the moments when we are literally clueless, and he speaks, that stirs my soul in unexplainable ways. our God is good, and he still speaks, and he still moves. praise Christ.

she is a ghost

i realize much of this blog finds me doing rather poorly. however, i started this blog at a unique and painful time in mylife, thus, the sorrowful entries. i would apologize for this, but then again, no body is asking you to read my blog, and besides, you could probably find a more interesting one anyways. just saying. today i awoke with the feeling of possible vomiting. (little piece of information, nathan has not thrown up since his days in elementary school.) maybe you did not want to know that, but once again, no one is making you read this although i am incredibly humbled that you would. these days have proven to be somewhat easier. i seem to slip in and out of joy. i suppose what the scriptures say are true when they say God has broken us that he may bind us up, he has torn us, but he will heal us. i know what this means, and am learning more and more each day what it looks like. God's ways are not man's, and i am incredible grateful for that but sometimes i want to take things into my own hands; i want control. then again, i suppose my gracious Father is breaking me of that, in his immense love. I have learned much these past two weeks, and am slowly experiencing the tender love of the almighty God. I have always known that God is good, and disciplines the ones he loves, and this discipline flowing from his love. however, i often know things but have yet to truly taste of them, yet to truly experience them. i plead you would breathe your sufficiency into my soul, that i would not only know you are sufficient, but that i would believe it, taste it, and deeply experience it. i need you, o loving Father.

melodic love affair

okay, so i grew up in a musical family. with that being said, i have an incredible love affair with the blessing known as music. something about it stirs my soul and inspires me, yes, even taylor swift. there are moments when a song is played and my heart clicks on in a new way, a way that has proved refreshing, and delicious. short and sweet.

grace abounds

it is easter today, and i cannot really sleep. i understand it is 7:14, so i should probably be awake anyways. it does not really feel like easter to me. i believe, growing up in america, that easter does not seem like easter when we get older because the mystical bunny, who i imagine to be about the height of my parents, stops delivering candies in the spirit of the season. so when that stops, so does the holiday. but should it? it is becoming more and more of a reality to me that this is true for me. that is not to say my parent's did not preach the gospel to me throughout easter, because they did. i suppose i just took it and ran the opposite direction. easter is not about the bunny. no matter how fun he is, with his candies, toys, and good spirits. God, i pray to be broken of this mind set this rainy easter sunday. the idea that a fictitious furry friend could so easily take the place of my savior, who was beaten, stripped naked, and mocked so that he would take on my sin, imparting to me his righteousness. as it is said, it is no longer i who live, but Christ who lives in me.

Father, in the midst of my hardships, my fears, and my joys, you are good. you are holy, faithful, and loving. i beg for your hand to stir me on toward yourself, and pursuit of deeper things.

brilliant

restoration

let me speak a word of hope. God is good, and he moves in love. he disciplines those whom he loves. let's be honest, sometimes his hand feels much heavier than we would prefer; much heavier than i would prefer. However, he is good.

God is good.

"nothing good comes without a fight"
-cobalt season.

orange juice and graduation

i am drinking my routine morning orange juice and eating a nice cinnamon raisin bagel right now, and it is nice. i think it is nice for the most part because it is a routine in my life. i know my orange juice will be in the fridge, and my bagel in the pantry, when i wake each morning. it is comforting to have such a consistency in my life, even if it is as simple as bread and juice. not much in my life has been consistent this last week or so, and it is scary. i have been dealing with certain thoughts, and dealing with them to what seems to be no accord. i do not like this. i like resolution, but it seems hard to come by these days.

i had a lengthy paragraph concerning marriage in our culture but decided it did not truly convey my ideas, so it is no more.

i am struggling.

i am not okay.

spoon, fork, knife.

so, i am at a transition point in my life dealing with a break up, establishing where certain things fit into my life, not knowing where i am going with my life, and quitting my job. assuming anyone even reads this, i don't expect you to feels sympathy for me. i know all to well how hard the heart can grow. if i read this somewhere, it would not move me at all. regardless, it is all very difficult. i am tired of letting my dreams become dust as i sit semi-comfortably at a mediocre job, so i left. i don't know what the next step will be, and that proves terrifying, but also beautiful. i know i will wrestle with failure before i dance with success. this all must be done.

sanctification, the process of being made to look more look jesus, is a painful and gorgeous matter. it is a battle. however, this too must be done. it is a difficult task separating yourself from someone, or something, that has taken the place of the Almighty. it involves tears, sleepless nights, and faith.
hosea 6:1 proclaims, "come, let us return to the LORD; for he has torn us, that he may heal us; he has struck us down, and he will bind us up"

i trust.

aaron lee martin

a word on love

love is not for the faint of heart, so it has been said. i feel like so many of us think we know what love is, but do we? granted, we have the scriptures that speak of love to its totality, so in that sense , yes, we do know what love is. but it seems to look so different for different people. it is messy, rough, but very beautiful. it is through love that we find redemption for our wretched, and filthy, souls. i don't know if anyone reads this, and i really doubt that anyone does, so i suppose this is more so me just talking to myself. i am okay with that. everyone seeks love. whether we know it or not, we long to be accepted and loved by others. when love is given it is a risk, but a risk worth taking. as a favorite poet of mine says, "our love was good and our love was right, i don't regret it, no not a single night." i feel like i am talking to myself, but as i said before, i am okay with that.

black and white

these are some film photos i have taken for my photo 1 class. ladies and gentlemen, meet alyssa.
please let me know what you think.

These are some of my photos from photo 1. ladies and gentlemen, meet bryan and alyssa.

ELIZABETH WEINBERG

let me clarify, i did not take this picture. however, there is something about it i enjoy. it is magical. it was taken by the elizabeth weinberg.

on a different note, it is raining right now and has been doing so for days now. this is no good for the bicycle.

childhood fun

get excited.